Love from (a company).

With millions of starving children we have to think about priorities. Our crops must grow bigger. And theu must give more yields per harvest to meet our customers demands. No, not the starving children, but to the fat hipsters of Portland and San Francisco.

Pardon us for the several dozen cancers and tumors you might have caught. We can’t predict how the wind will pick up the pesticides. But we could have done better at the right price. We’ve received the complaints from the mothers and farmers of your rural communities and we will respond promptly with the right amount of money.

Please don’t hate us, We’re doing everything we can in Argentina and Brazil. So many people are affected, and there is only so much we can do to you in such a a short amount of time. We wish we had more. To the mothers, were confident you can spew out more babies to help repopulate your towns. 

We also request that you evacuate your farms immediately as they have been been bought as per agreement with Kirchner.

With love,

Monsanto and everyone else.

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